(no subject)

So yeah, resolutions are possibly kind of clichéd at this point, but if there's one thing I really got cemented in my brain over the course of 2003, it's that I need STRUCTURE to get anything done in my life. I need checklists. I need to see my goals in front of me.

I need it in writing. Or else I just forget all about it. Not even consciously. It just floats away without me even realizing it, and it's yet another thing I've left hanging, half-done. I'm really trying to change this in myself. The Strattera will hopefully help me get there, but nothing will get anywhere without that list in front of me.

So with that in mind, here's some resolutions I have for 2004:

--- I want to like myself better than I did in 2003. I should say that I've made a lot of progress in this area, but I still have a good way to go before I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel at home with my body or my mind; and while I've managed to control the self-hatred I used to feel up until a couple of years ago, I still don't believe in myself enough to not sabotage myself at various turns.

--- I want to have more follow-through. This sort of relates to what I was saying two paragraphs earlier. I want to be someone who proposes an idea and then doesn't get scared when it comes time to implement it. Again, I want to believe in myself enough to look forward to the creativity that accomplishing those ideas will evoke. I DON'T want to get so scared of the creativity that I run away from finishing anything and just live reactively instead of with a plan.

--- I want to cast my life principles into sharper relief. My parents raised me to be opinionated, but not necessarily confident in choosing my own principles of how to live my life. I don't really blame them for it. They did the best they could, and perhaps they thought they were saving me trouble, or putting me on the right path.
I know I have principles already in place. I bump up against them when something really bothers me, or I suddenly feel really strongly about something; but I have never really acknowledged these principles concretely. This is why I have so often lived rather reactively whenever I didn't want to make scary decisions.

Ok, that's the macro stuff. Here's the more tangible stuff:

--- I want to make my divorce official. I have gone so far as obtaining the papers and asking my husband to not stand in the way. I have to take the final steps, early in this year.

--- I want to teach four academic units in my GED class this cycle, and at least two in my evening pre-GED class.

--- I want to finish the book I've been toying with for years, even if it's terrible. I wasn't planning to show it to anyone but myself and possibly a friend or two anyway.

--- I want to make a website for my work site.

--- I want to make a mix tape of my DJing.



There may be more added later; but for now, that's where it all stands.

Ok, I'm freaking out a little

My first class in three weeks is tomorrrow evening. I'm afraid, afraid, afraid of not being ready. I'm starting up a new semester and although I know what my unit's going to be about, I don't have a whole lot in place besides materials. I've gone and done the same thing I always do - built this whole thing up in my head until it seems impossible. I know this is the ADD talking, and I'm combatting it somewhat: I did manage to get a unit planned out - for my morning class, of course, which doesn't happen until Tuesday!

I would say "typical" but I'm trying to live up to my resolution of liking myself more, so I'm trying not to denigrate the work I did organizing the unit just because it wasn't the most pressing thing on my plate. That good work stands on its own as good.

It's just not what's staring me in the face tomorrow. I'm not ready for tomorrow. And yet I put in work on a lot of work-related stuff this week. I stayed until 6 pm almost every day this past week. I was a good worker bee. I just work slowly, I guess. I'm learning to account for the distractions somewhat. In the past, I probably wouldn't have normally been as ready as I am for Tuesday's class.

*sigh*